Reflections on Something You Knew All Along
by Jo Dawn
Summary: What does it feel like when you're hit by that sudden, raw truth you've been hiding from yourself for so long, you've convinced yourself it's not real... ?


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Disclaimer - I do not now, nor will I ever sign my checks with the name JK Rowling. So these characters are not my own. 

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Reflections on Something You Knew All Along… 

Sitting alone in the common room, a boy (who's mind should be on his upcoming NEWTS or the Quidditch match that he'd just played) was looking rather like he'd been hit with the Bludger that he'd so skillfully avoided not too long ago. 

Almost _unfortunately _for him, he wasn't hit with something that would heal over the passage of time. In fact, it had only gotten worse. 

It came at him, and snuck up on him, blindsiding him with it's sudden, raw truth. 

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He **loved **her. 

Just _thinking _those words made his heart race, his hands shake and his palms sweat. 

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When did it happen? When did he love her so much it **hurt**? 

This last thought threw him, because he hadn't even realized that it had happened. He just knew that for a long time now he'd had this ache… indeterminable in origin, that he'd learned to almost ignore. But sometimes it would flare so high… so hard, that he'd wonder what was wrong with him. 

Over time he'd just learned to accept that maybe that was a part of growing up. That maybe it happened to everyone. 

Then there were the signs. It became more frequent and more intense when she was around. And when he thought about her, which was often. Or when she yelled at him for not studying right, or hard enough or for long enough. 

It was an almost constant reminder of who he was… who _she _was. What they were. 

He'd tried, really hard, to ignore it all… to just make it easier for them both in the long run. He _liked _what they did. Nothing else in the world ignited such a passion in him than she. And it wasn't fighting… not all the time. Well, it may have started that way… But it was just something they _did_. They wouldn't keep doing it if they didn't enjoy some part of it. He didn't want to change it. He wouldn't change it for the world. 

But it wasn't the world he was worried about risking. 

Another thought tugged at his brain. And what if it all turned out badly? Could they… would they be able to go back to what they once had, if they crossed that most important, invisible line? He didn't want to ruin that. The comfort they felt with each other was something he'd never felt with anyone else in his life. He couldn't lose that… didn't want to taint something so pure and real, so that there would be tension between them. 

And that's when a little voice in his head spoke up, small to be sure, but as stubborn as he knew he was capable of being. 

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But what if it turns out better? 

What if it did? Was he willing to risk it all… everything they had, everything they shared… just to see if it would be better? 

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Yes! That voice cried out. _You'd be an idiot not to at least **try**!! _

But still he hesitated. There might be too much at stake. 

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You'll regret it forever if you don't try. He paused at that thought. He might. He thought about that some more. He wanted to keep it the same… to keep that spark, to not change, because to change it might kill him. He thrived on this, more than he realized. 

And, he realized, things _would _change between them if either became involved with someone new. They wouldn't be able to stay the same then, either… And if he stayed in this perpetual mode friendship, she was bound to want something more. And if not from him, then someone else. 

Thing was, he wanted it to be with him. 

He shook his head, chiding himself silently. _Great Gryffindor bravery. _He remorsed. _Really doing you a great bloody deal of help now. _

He sighed heavily, and looked around. He knew, in his heart, what he had to do. She deserved an answer to their continually unasked, silent question. 

Gathering everything he had, and then some, he stood. He paused a moment, trying to calm is racing heart. 

Then he brushed himself off, took a deep breath, and walked towards the library. 

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Author's Notes - This is my first posted Harry Potter fiction. To be honest, this all came to me at work, where I typed it out in the space of an hour. This story also has some personal connections with me, and is therefore quite meaningful. Reviews and creative criticism is accepted happily. Please do not send flames. Thank you. 


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